


Parallels

by mymishaandjensenfic (ljunattainable)



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Cockles Break-Up Theory, Episode: s15e03 The Rupture, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-23 03:55:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,347
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21313765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ljunattainable/pseuds/mymishaandjensenfic
Summary: Dean and Cas's breakup scene brings back some painful memories for Jensen and Misha.
Relationships: Jensen Ackles/Misha Collins
Comments: 18
Kudos: 135





	Parallels

**Author's Note:**

> If anyone needs context on the “the cockles breakup theory” (which you might do for this fic) try this URL.  
https://jensenacklesmishacollins.tumblr.com/post/82143546173/i-was-directed-here-to-ask-about-the-cockles

**Season 15, 2019**

Jensen slowly placed the script on the table beside his bed. He absentmindedly adjusted the sheets of the script so that the edges lined up precisely with the edge of the table. He picked up his whisky and took a sip. In the time it had taken him to read the scene through several times the ice had melted.  


He put the glass down, rubbed his eyes, wiped a hand down his face, and wondered how he was going to play this.  


In the script, Cas was leaving. It’s not like this was the first time Cas had left, but the way the script was written, it was a particularly sad and heavy scene.  


He mulled it over. It was intentionally written to be sad but there was cruelty there too. Dean was pushing and poking at Cas but expecting him to roll over and take it like he usually did. Dean’s very own emotional punching bag. Dean’s shocked when that’s not what happens but too proud to call Cas back when Cas decides he won’t take anymore.  


It reminded Jensen of a time, a really dark time, eight years or so ago, when he pushed Misha away. Jensen was cruel and Misha didn’t handle it in the nice, easy way that Jensen had scripted in his head. But that was another story. Still, Jensen wondered if he could use the emotion from that time in this scene. Would Misha notice? Would Misha be hurt if he did notice? Did Jensen owe it to himself as an actor to do it anyway?  


This was going to be the last time they got to play a significant Cas-leaving-Dean or Dean-leaving-Cas scene. There was never going to be another chance. He owed it to himself to give it the best he could and if that meant calling on some crappy memories for inspiration then so be it. Misha probably wouldn’t even register what was happening.  


**October, 2011**

Misha was a strong, competent person but right now he didn’t look any of that. He looked like he’d been kicked unexpectedly by the friendliest, most trustworthy horse in the paddock. He was shocked to silence. Jensen didn’t help him out. This wasn’t going the way he’d planned. It was so much harder than he’d expected and he just wanted Misha to leave. Once Misha left, he would drown his sorrow in whisky.  


Eventually Misha spoke. “I don’t understand. Last night was … I thought last night was great. Wonderful. The best. The happiest we’ve been.”  


It was. Jensen’s chest ached with the desire to say it. It was. But that’s exactly why they were having this conversation. Jensen needed to push Misha away, shove him out of his life while he still had the strength to.  


“You can barely look at me,” Misha croaked out.  


Jensen looked at him, made a point of looking, but couldn’t hold his gaze. Misha wasn’t a crier. There were no tears in his eyes but the pain he was feeling, that Jensen had caused him, was evident nevertheless in the agonized disorder on his face. Jensen’s eyes slid sideways and down. His resolve was wavering and if he looked at Misha now he’d give in.  


**Season 15, 2019**

“You can barely look at me,” Cas said.  


Dean glanced at Cas, saw the hurt and disbelief in his face, and all of a sudden Jensen was eight years in the past looking at Misha. The shock hit him like a cold bath. Nothing in the way he and Misha had talked about this scene had prepared him for this.  


Shaken, Jensen looked away from Cas’s pained expression, and turned Dean off.  


“You know what?” he said to the monitor and the director watching in the other room. “I think this needs to be harsher. Dean and Cas would be tough on each other after all their history. What do you think, Mish?” he asked, looking at Misha for his agreement. Harsher means different than eight years ago. Harsher is something Jensen can do.  


“Sure,” Misha said, shrugging, but looking surprised. Jensen sure wasn’t going to enlighten him.  


Playing the whole scene harsher and less sad would sort out all Jensen’s issues. Less Jensen and Misha, and more Dean and Cas.  


**October, 2011**

Misha wasn’t fighting back. He wasn’t arguing, or saying much at all come to that. It riled Jensen. He felt guilty enough without the weight of Misha’s silent anger adding to it.  


“This is just … wrong,” Jensen said to fill the silence.  


That wasn’t the word he wanted and as soon as it found its way out of his mouth he wished he could take it back but it was too late. It had a life of its own now; a vicious dagger thrown haphazardly but nevertheless finding its target.  


“Wrong?” Misha said, his voice cracking in anguish.  


**Season 15, 2019**

“Something went wrong. Something always goes wrong,” Cas said.  


Dean snapped back, without thinking. “Why does that something always seem to be you?”  


Dean instantly regretted it. Jensen showed it in Dean’s face and his movements and the way he looked away.  


Jensen brought all the anger and fear from his memories into that scene and Cas’s silent stare evoked the same feeling in Jensen that Misha’s response had all those years ago. If Dean could take back what he just said, he would, but it was too late.  


“Maybe Cas could say something here. Y’know. Snap or be snarky,” Jensen said, breaking character again.  


Jensen needed something more to separate 2019 from 2011. It’s all very well using the memories and emotions from eight years ago but Jensen wasn’t supposed to be dragging all the associated feelings along with them, into the present day.  


“Maybe Cas doesn’t believe that he heard what he just heard,” Misha replied. There’s an edge to his voice. Jensen looked his way. Misha was looking at him with … almost anger. “Maybe he’s speechless that Dean would say such a thing. Maybe Cas has just suddenly clicked that Dean’s been using him and that he was an idiot not to have seen it sooner.”  


“Are you saying Dean’s the one in the wrong here?”  


“Are you telling me Dean didn’t regret saying that as soon as the words were out of his mouth?”  


“Of course he did, it’s just – “  


“It’s just that it’s easier for Dean to feel no guilt if Cas fights back, is that it?”  


“No, of course not.”  


Misha raised an eyebrow high into his forehead. His eyes were wide and his gaze dark. His face was flushed even under his makeup.  


**October, 2011**

“Okay, not wrong.” Jensen shuffled his feet and stared at his shoes. “But this has just been a bit of fun, right?”  


That was a lie. Jensen knew it was a lie. He’d fallen badly for Misha and he didn’t know where to go from here. This hadn’t been supposed to happen.  


“A bit of fun,” Misha echoed.  


Jensen kept quiet. Every time he opened his mouth he fucked it up anyway.  


“You don’t care,” Misha added flatly. He schooled his features into a pretense of calm. “Then I don’t think there’s anything left to say.”  


**Season 15, 2019**

“Where’re you going?” Dean asked. The unspoken words sit heavier than the spoken ones. You’re not supposed to leave. You’re always supposed to be here. I know I was a dick but you’re supposed to stay and take it. We’re supposed to argue this out, fight it out even. But then we shake ourselves free of the burden of conflict, slap each other on the back, smile and stay friends. No apologies necessary. Where the hell do you think you’re going?  


**October, 2011**  


Jensen didn’t stop Misha from leaving, though he badly wanted to. “Where’re you going? Come back,” he wanted to say. He wanted to run after him, turn him around, say sorry, let’s just forget I ever said anything. But he didn’t. He stayed where he was standing, his feet stuck in one position on the floor like he was wearing lead boots. And Misha walked away, defeated.  


**Season 15, 2019**

“Where’re you going?” Dean asked.  


Cas turned to look at him one last time. “I think it’s time for me to move on.”  


Dean was stuck in place, as Jensen had been all those years ago. This was supposed to be Jensen acting, using memories, and not dredging up old, painful feelings. And God, but were they painful. Cas, Misha. He couldn’t separate the two. This had been such a bad idea.  


The director called cut. Misha kept walking. Jensen levered himself off the piece of furniture Dean had been resting his butt on.  


“Hey…hey, where’re you going?”  


The atmosphere on the set after the take was heavy and uncomfortable. A few of the crew looked sympathetically towards Misha as he ignored Jensen and headed to the water. Jensen saw them looking and hoped it meant the scene had been perfectly executed and had hit the emotional mark. That was the only thing that would make this worthwhile.  


The director called it. No re-takes. Jensen had never been so relieved to get a scene done and dusted. The crew stopped watching them, grateful to get busy with other things, setting the stage for the next scene.  


“Back here in 30,” someone announced, loudly and clearly to the room in general.  


Misha, with his back still firmly turned towards Jensen, put his water cup down and headed for the back of the lot where the trailers were parked.  


“Hey,” Jensen called after him. What Jensen needed right now was a goddamn hug.  


Misha turned to face him. Jensen could sense immediately that something was wrong. Unsure, but still focused on his own need for comfort, Jensen ignored the warning signs.  


“You know what I haven’t told you today?” Jensen asked, with the best mischievous smile he could dredge up in the circumstances. It was a joke between the two of them. It made Misha soft, and soft Misha was Jensen’s jam.  


“That you love me? You’ve got a fucking funny way of showing it.”  


Jensen came to a halt a few feet away, like he’d suddenly walked into a puddle of treacle. “What?”  


“You think I didn’t see what you did back there?” Misha said, in an angry whisper. He took a deep breath. “You complete and utter dick. How dare you use one of the most painful times of my life, in our life, as fucking acting fodder.”  


Oh, Christ.  


“You noticed,” Jensen said.  


“How the fuck could I not?”  


“I didn’t think it would show. If it makes you feel any better, yeah, in hindsight, putting the memories of that night into this scene wasn’t a great idea.”  


“Not surprisingly, it doesn’t make me feel any better. I mean …” Misha took a deep breath, looked down at the rain-wet tarmac then back up again. “What the hell were you thinking?”  


Jensen had wanted to make the scene look realistic, to be great, to be one of the scenes that would be remembered. He’s not sure Misha would appreciate hearing that right now. He’d thought, or at least hoped, that Misha wouldn’t notice, that he’d put all that behind them, but he’d been fooling himself. If Jensen remembered every last fucking detail of that evening eight years ago, why did he expect Misha to have forgotten?  


“You’re right. I’m sorry.”  


Misha didn’t say anything but Jensen could see the muddle in his mind. He was looking at Jensen as if he didn’t recognize him. Jensen ached to make things right again.  


“I do love you, you know,” he said.  


Misha scoffed, and without a word, for the second time that day, he turned and walked away.  


Jensen, stuck to his spot, watched him go.  


“Well, that didn’t exactly go according to plan,” he muttered to himself. He looked around. A few people were walking around glancing his way. Great. He gets to be the bad guy.  


So what was he going to do about it? His trailer was to the right. Misha had disappeared into the bigger jumble of smaller vehicles to the left. Jensen took one step to the right, then stopped. Misha was hurting. He should do something.  


He took another step to the right. Misha would calm down, Jensen would apologize, they’d make up, they’d snuggle on the couch with the latest crappy reality show Danneel had them both hooked on.  


Yet another step to the right. Only this hadn’t been normal bickering brought on by exhaustion or cold or heat or dirt or aches in all the wrong places.  


Jensen straightened his spine, full of resolve. He’d fucked up 8 years ago. He wasn’t going to fuck up now. He took a deep breath, and twisting on his heels he set himself off firmly in the direction Misha had headed.  


He didn’t hesitate when he reached the closed door of Misha’s trailer. He stepped up and swung the door wide. Cas’s coat, jacket and tie were laid carefully over the back of a chair. His boots and socks were in the middle of the floor. Misha sat on the small couch curling his bare toes into the rug. He looked unsurprised to see Jensen.  


Jensen sat next to him and leant sideways to lean his head on Misha’s shoulder. Misha sat stiffly but at least he didn’t move away.  


“I’m sorry,” Jensen said quietly. “I can’t justify it. I just wanted the scene to be good. Really good. Do you realize this is the last time we might have one of these emotional scenes between Dean and Cas? When we –” Jensen stopped. He couldn’t say “when we broke up” even after all this time. “What happened eight years ago was so painful. I wanted Dean to show the pain I felt back then.”  


Misha sighed. The tension left him. “I’m still mad at you,” he said, leaning his cheek against the top of Jensen’s head. Relieved, Jensen snuggled in closer.  


“I know.”


End file.
